What Ansem Really Saw Inside Kingdom Hearts
by The Masked Wanderer
Summary: We all know that Ansem met his demise by seeing the light in Kingdom Hearts. But what if he had seen something more?... Read the latest installment in the what-if series; see how Ansem could  should  have died.


What Ansem Really Saw Inside Kingdom Hearts

Disclamer: All shows, movies, parodies, and other miscellaneous franchises that pop out of Kingdom Hearts are all owned by their respective owners. Also, the video game where Kingdom Hearts comes from is owned by Disney and Square. Please enjoy the story.

_Summary: We all know that Ansem met his demise by seeing the light in Kingdom Hearts. But what if he had seen something more?... Read the latest installment in the what-if series; see how Ansem could (should) have died._

Ansem, Seeker of Darkness slowly rose up to face Sora, Donald and Goofy, the latter of whom was slowly filling his pants with urine, though neither Sora and Donald would come to know of this just yet, at least not until an entire year later, when they would eventually wake up in white pods and meet each other again. But that is a story for another time…

The trio had just defeated Ansem, but he had somehow managed to scrape up what little life he had left in one last-minute ditch effort to seize Kingdom Hearts for himself.

"It is futile. The Keyblade alone cannot seal the door to darkness."

Before Sora could react, Ansem slowly turned around, while still floating in the air. Struggling with all his might, he called out to the white, alluring door in front of his very eyes. "Kingdom Hearts! Fill me, with the power of darkness!"

Using the last of his strength, he reached his trembling hand out to Kingdom Hearts. Slowly, the door began to open, and darkness began to creep out of it.

"Supreme darkness…" Rising up even further, Ansem started to bask in his glory…

"You're wrong." Sora exclaimed. "I know now, without a doubt."

Closing his eyes, Sora yelled out to the Seeker of Darkness. "Kingdom Hearts…"

Yelling out at the top of his lungs, he finally stated what he knew, in his heart, to be the heart of all worlds, to be the ultimate prize, to be the one heart that held all worlds together, to be Kingdom Hearts…

"…IS A PANCAKE WITH MAPLE SYRUP!"

At once, the white doors sprung open, and Ansem opened his eyes, which widened with anticipation of the darkness he was about to receive…

…only to be greeted by a pancake to the face.

"Oww!" Ansem took the pancake off his face and threw it away. Then he put a hand to his face, and wished that he didn't. His entire face was covered in maple syrup. And it wasn't the kind you got at stores. It was natural maple syrup, the kind that you got from trees.

"Oh my goodness, that's disgusting! Get it off me! Get it off me!" Ansem tried wiping off the syrup with his glove, but all that did was make a bigger mess. And now his glove was sticky as well.

"Eww…" The repulsed Heartless was about to throw up. But the onslaught would continue.

"And it is also...EVIL DRAGONS WHO BREATHE FIRE!"

At once, dragons emerged from the door and started breathing fire on Ansem.

"AHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHH! " In just a matter of seconds, Ansem's skin was burnt to a crisp, and all of his clothes were gone, leaving him exposed.

"Wack! Cover your eyes, Goofy!" Donald put his hands over his eyes, and motioned for Goofy to do the same.

But Goofy shrugged. "I dunno…I think he looks better without his clothes."

Donald shook his head. "You have problems, you know that?"

This made Goofy jump. "Huh? Whuddya mean?"

Once realizing he was naked, Ansem started screaming like a naked girl in the shower. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" Covering his privates, Ansem started blushing a dark red. "Oh well," he muttered. "At least it can't get any worse."

"I also know that Kingdom Hearts….IS AN ARMY OF EVIL SPOONS AND FORKS SENT TO TAKE REVENGE ON KNIFIA, KING OF THE KNIVES, FOR WHAT HE HAD DONE TO THEIR PEOPLE!"

Ansem started laughing. "Hahaha! THAT is where you are wrong, boy! There's no such thing as evil utensils OR a 'King of the Knives!' You lose! HAHAHA!" Ansem raised his hands in the air, then realized he was still naked, and put his hands back where they were.

However, as if to prove him wrong, a huge army of evil spoons and forks with wings attached to their bodies flew out of the door and started attacking the Seeker of Darkness.

"Take that, you knife lover!"

"This is for Uncle Forky, you bastard!"

"Let's see how you like getting cut in half!"

It was truly a sight to behold. Ansem, the most powerful being in all the land, was meeting his match at the hands of lowly kitchen utensils, who somehow had the ability to speak and fly. He couldn't even defend himself, lest he lose his dignity along with his pride.

When they were finished, the spoons and forks all died and fell to the bottomless darkness below, leaving Ansem covered in bruises and cuts all over his body.

"Oh god!" Tears were coming out of his eyes, and cuts were forming around his hands. "This can't get any worse!" He cried out in agony.

"Kingdom Hearts…IS GOKU AND VEGETA DRESSED AS CHRISTIAN PRIESTS!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Without warning, the last of the Saiyans emerged from the door, each dressed in white Christian robes and carrying a Bible in one hand.

Goku teleported to Ansem and kicked him in the stomach repeatedly. "The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!" With each kick he delivered, Goku kept repeating this same phrase over and over, trying to spread the message of God while also doing the exact opposite of what God would want him to do simultaneously.

After eleven or so kicks, he let Ansem go, and moved out of the way so that Vegeta could finish the job. "Say hi to the archangel for me, sinner! GALLICK GUN!"

Vegeta's signature attack blasted Ansem right in the stomach, causing him to cough up heavy amounts of blood, which floated around him and stink up the air.

After their work was done, Goku and Vegeta flew back into the door.

"Wanna go and hurt more of God's children?"

"Always ready, Kakkarot."

And with that, the Saiyans disappeared, off to spread more of the Lord's good word.

Yeah.

Ansem was as good as dead, but he could rest easy now. "Oh well," he whispered, "there's nothing in that door that could be worse than what I just experienced….and WHY DID I JUST SAY THAT?"

"Kingdom Hearts….IS TWO TEENAGERS PLAYING CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES!"

"No! I hate that show!"

But there was no stopping it. At once, Yusei Fudo and Jack Atlas emerged from the door, both riding on their flying motorcycles, while also dueling each other.

"Please, dead God, just end me right now!" Ansem exclaimed.

"Let's rev it up, Jack!" Yusei yelled. "It's time to kick this duel into overdrive! Go, Stardust Dragon!"

Stardust Dragon fired up a big blast of energy, and hurled it at Jack. The latter however was quick to dodge.

"Nice try Yusei! But I'm the king of Turbo Duels, and nothing's gonna change that! Go, Red Dragon Archfiend! Show him who's the master of faster!"

Red Dragon Archfield complied, and fired a giant meteor at Yusei and Stardust Dragon.

"No, make it stop!" Ansem was now crying like a little baby. "It makes the original look like Good Will Hunting! It's just so horrible!"

But he was silenced once Yusei's bike slammed into Ansem's rib cage, and only a moment away from death after Jack's dashboard collided with his head. Eventually, Jack and Yusei managed to avoid hitting Sora, Donald and Goofy, eventually driving around them. As the trio looked on, both duelists kept driving into the endless abyss, still wasting their time playing card games on motorcycles.

Donald shrugged. "He's right. That show does suck. I mean, they're playing card games on motorcycles, damn it."

Goofy nodded in agreement. "Yeah! And isn't the plot really boring?"

This made Sora's eyes widened. _Oh my God, _he thought. _Goofy actually said something that sounded smart. This must be ANSEM's doing!_

"I'll get you for this, ANSEM! You took my best friend away! Now I'm gonna make you suffer!"

"No…"

"The most important thing inside Kingdom Hearts is…LIGHT!"

"Yes!" Ansem yelled, now praying for the sweet release of death. "Thank you!"

"…DIET CAKE!"

Ansem froze in midair. "W…what?"

One second later, light-diet mini cakes flew out of the door and into Ansem's mouth. One by one, they flew into his esophagus so fast that Ansem didn't have enough time to chew them all. A few minutes later, the cakes started filling up inside of him, making him bloat up to the size of a balloon.

Sora, Donald and Goofy were all horrified at this display of horror. Even Sora was at a loss for words. Hanging down their heads, Donald and Goofy took off their hats and held them in their hands, as a sign of respect. They nodded to Sora, and he understood what must be done.

"Kingdom Hearts…."Sora whispered, "is light."

Finally, the light of Kingdom Hearts emerged from the door and basked Ansem in a field of death.

"Yes! YES! END IT ALL! TAKE ME AWAY FROM ALL THIS MADNESS! RANDOM MADNESS…BE GONE!"

Laughing like a madman, Ansem held up his chubby arms and reached for the light, which was slowly eradicating him from existence.

Ansem looked back to Sora, and smiled. "Thank you…"

Sora smiled back and closed his eyes. "Ansem", he exclaimed with a cheerful voice, "go to hell!"

Ansem nodded, then spoke to Sora with the same cheerful voice: "I wish the same for you, you psychotic bastard."

And with that, the Heartless disappeared in a flash of light and darkness, vanishing from existence altogether.

With that, Ansem was now gone from the world. And our heroes could relax once more, having saved the world from destruction…

"Come on guys! Let's find Kairi and get some pizza to celebrate!" Sora cheerfully started floating away to find Kairi.

"I'm for it!" Donald exclaimed.

With that, the (ahem *cough*)heroes floated away with their heads held high.

But one thing still bothered Goofy. "Um, guys? Weren't we supposed to take care of something?"

Sora shrugged. "I don't know. Must not have been very important, or we would have taken care of it already."

_Elsewhere, in the Realm of Darkness._

Mickey was happy to know that Ansem was gone for good. "Nice work, Riku! Now we can seal this door and find our way home!"

Riku nodded. "It's really lucky that you found this magical portal that calls beings from other dimensions when you were travelling in the worlds." He pointed to the blue, mini-Stargate looking portal next to him. "Where'd you get it, anyway?"

"Well, it's funny you should-" But the King could go no further. For he noticed something so horrible, that he had no words left to say.

"What's wrong, Your Majesty?" Riku asked.

"R…Riku?" Mickey stammered. "Wasn't that door supposed to be-" He couldn't bring himself to finish.

Slowly, Riku turned his head to look at the door. At once, both Riku and Mickey emitted a loud scream that echoed for miles on end.

"SORA, YOU IDIOT!"

**The End**


End file.
